Here are Top 72 Funny Quotes To Make You Laugh Out Loud
1) Finally it’s Friday and I can go out. I’m putting the garbage out and I’ll be right back.
2) Lazy Rule: Can’t reach it, don’t need it.
3) Last night the Internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people.
4) If I had just one hour left to live, I’d spend it in Math class… it never ends.-
5) How do you go to work? Forced! No, I mean how do you arrive there? Depressed.-
6) That awkward moment when someone gets angry at you for clicking a pen, but you have to click it one more time to use it.
7) Sometime you meet such a prince that you’d rather marry the horse
8) I fractured my laziness and dislocated my interest.
9) Cats have 32 muscles in each ear, to help them ignore you
10) It’s all fun and games until your jeans don’t fit any more.
11) I tried counting sheep so I can fall asleep but that got boring, so I started talking to the shepherd instead.
12) I have lots of hidden talents. The problem is, even I can’t find them.
13) Why do you wear glasses? My eyes are so beautiful they have to be kept behind glass, like a showcase.
14) My daily routine. Morning: Feeling tired, cranky and lazy. Afternoon: I could go for a nap. Night: I can’t sleep.
15) I’m not always annoying, sometimes I sleep too.
16) For 2019 I wish you 12 months of happiness, 52 weeks of fun, 365 days of success, 8760 hours of great health and 525600 lucky minutes! Happy New Year!
17) I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones… that’s why it’s called a “cell” phone.-
18) Don’t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.
19) Research has shown that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog. So now I’m sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers
20) Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I’m tired of solving them for you.-
21) You don’t know something? Google it. You don’t know someone? Facebook it. You don’t know where something is? MOM!
22) If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
23) I was told to check my attitude. I did, and it’s still there.. it hasn’t gone anywhere. What’s the problem?
24) That awkward moment when you’ve said “What?” three times, so you just say “Oh, yeah..” even though you have no idea what they said
25) We’re all mature, until someone pulls out some bubble wrap.
26) You wanna know who I’m in love with? Read the first word again
27) I hate when I go to the kitchen looking for food, and I find is ingredients.-
28) I can’t sleep good when I know the food is feeling cold in the fridge
29) I always give 100% at work! 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday and 5% on Friday. Welcome back weekend.
30) Roses are red, my name is not Dave, this makes no sense, microwave.-
31) As your best friend I’ll always pick you up when you fall, after I finish laughing.-
32) A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.-
33) I wish the homes of all my friends were connected to mine by secret underground tunnels.-
34) I’m not being smart, I’m just a skilled trained professional in pointing out the obvious.-
35) If I say “First of all,” run away, because I have prepared research, data, charts and I will totally prove you wrong.-
36) How do you know a man is thinking about his future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.-
37) How many roads must a man walk down before he admits he’s lost?
38) Don’t invite me anywhere in the last minute. I enjoy doing nothing, so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.
39) Never let your best friends get lonely… keep disturbing them.
40) Math is fun, it teaches you life and death information, like when you’re cold, you should go to a corner since it’s 90 degrees there.
41) I may not have lost all my marbles yet, but there’s a small hole in the bag somewhere.-
42) I’d like to live like a poor man – only with lots of money
43) It’s funny how nobody notices all the good things you do until you don’t do them.-
44) Would you believe my neighbor was knocking on my door at 2:30AM this morning? Luckily, I was still up playing bagpipes
45) The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.
46) Friends are like walls, sometimes you lean on them and sometimes it’s good just knowing they’re there.
47) Give me your photo so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas.
48) If you didn’t see it with your own eyes, or hear it with your own ears, don’t invent it with your small mind and share it with your big mouth!
49) I hate it when I turn on the car in the morning and the music starts blasting… It’s like, woah, I’m not the same person I was last night
50) Your eyes water when you yawn because you miss your bed and it makes you sad.
51) The only reason people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.
52) Side by side or miles apart real friends are always close to the heart
53) Have you ever looked at someone and knew the wheel was turning, but the hamster fell off long time ago?
54) You’re never too old to do goofy stuff.
55) A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand
56) Why cry for someone when you can laugh next to someone else?
57) Me sarcastic? Never.
58) I love my six pack so much, I protect is with a layer of fat
59) Alcohol kills brain cells slowly, but that never bothered me because I’m not in a hurry
60) Never ask a starfish for directions
61) My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work
62) You come into the world with nothing, and the purpose of your life is to make something out of nothing.
63) I look at the moon and it looks really beautiful!.. Then I look at you… and.. I think I’ll look at the moon again?!
64) When you fall, I will be there to catch you – With love, the floor
65) I haven’t even gone to bed yet and I already can’t wait to get home from work tomorrow.
66) Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time consuming.
67) Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.
68) We all have baggage, find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack
69) All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips.
70) To the guy who created imaginary numbers in Math: I hate you.
71) My best friends are like fairy tales, they’ve been there since once upon a time and will be there until forever after.
72) I want to change my name on Facebook to “Nobody,” so when I see someone posting something stupid I can Like their post and it will say “Nobody likes this.”