“Boundaries” in a relationship might sound like an obstacle but it is not so.
Do you really believe “Everything’s fair in love”? No it’s not.
Do you wish to but often hesitate to talk about maintaining a boundary in between you and your partner? If so, then you really need to have a clear idea about what boundaries mean in a relationship.
We have always known that love is supposed to be burden less, wide-open field resembling just a fairy tale. Yes it’s a fact that the more room there is to run unrestricted, the more the likelihood that we would trip and fall flat on our faces.
Boundaries are essential, and there’s nothing regarding the same that says it can’t be changed. We shouldn’t think of it as rigid obstructions employed to suffocate a relationship. Rather they should, can, and do change, which is why discussing about them is so very important.
Here are 12 types of boundaries you should consider setting in your relationship:
1. Overall Expectations:
Firstly, it is very important to always discuss about what you expect from your significant other and what you expect to receive in return. This should be crystal clear to both of you.
It is always said that expectations hurts- well, yes they hurt, if mishandled. Only if one thinks of expectations as standards of conduct, embracing the boundaries adjoining it, this becomes easier.
A lot of people enter relationships putting the heavy baggage of healing/completing them onto someone else. Now, talking about completion- No one is born to complete you; you yourself are complete/have the potential to be one.
Always remember- Relationship is about complimenting each other; empowering each other. So, there is a wide difference and this notion should be clear to everyone.
None of us are anyone’s god here. We’re humans and we have needs; needs which are easy to get overlook by someone else if that someone puts us on a foot.
A relationship should always be a balance of mutual give and take. So, ensure that you discuss how far you’re willing to go towards being someone’s “fulfillment” and how you would in turn like to be filled.
2. Tolerances:
Every one of us are different so it is very natural that physical as well as emotional pain thresholds will vary from person to person.
Hence, always let a loved one know that there are certain things you will not tolerate as in being shouted at, lied to, silenced or mistrusted – whatever it is, make it known to him/her, that going past these boundaries will be a journey they may not want to take.
3. Sexual Expression:
All of us different preferences and specifications regarding sexual expression.
So, if you and your lover don’t exactly know where your sexual boundaries are, one or both of you might spend yours precious time faking sexual expression, which is a clear sign of concern on any relationship’s horizon.
It’s wise to let your needs and preferences be known, as well as how much space for experimentation exists within them.
4. Finance:
When it comes to heart, money becomes poison, but can we escape the role of money in life? Never.
There used to be a huge stigma associated with a division of “romantic” funds earlier, but many married couples now maintain separate bank accounts. Never think that it is an issue of mistrust or an expectancy of a failed relationship; rather it’s a matter of convenience.
Therefore, you must discuss your financial boundaries early to avoid hassles later.
5. Past Lives:
There are many people who have erroneous thoughts that it’s their right to split open a lover’s past so that everything about the lover is laid bare for further dissection and examination.
Your past is yours. Do let people know that what you choose to divulge (unless non-disclosure presents a direct health risk or is in some way threatening) – is all up to you.
Communication is very crucial in any relationship, but a relationship is not a therapist’s couch. Unless and until you’re comfortable in doing so, no one can force you to be an open book for the world to read. Disclose as much as you feel, you can. Choice is exclusively yours.
6. Family:
The needs of both families will constantly swirl around the edges of your relationship. That is again a natural phenomenon.
Thus, setting basic boundaries on how much each other’s family interaction impacts the relationship will prevent a lot of emergency restoration later.
7. Friendships:
Your lover will never like all of your friends, nor you will like theirs; that isn’t unfair because you cannot forcibly like a person, can you? But unfortunately that doesn’t stop a lot of people from trying to determine who their significant other can and can’t have as friends.
It becomes necessary to set mutual boundaries of respect that the other can make reasonable decisions as to who they allow to influence them and also whom they would allow to influence the relationship.
8. Personal goals:
No one has got the right to remark about our dreams as worthless, even if they think they’re doing so kind-heartedly in our best interests.
Set a boundary like-“This is what I want to/am going to do; support is always allowed and appreciated but undermining is not, never.”
9. Additions:
Ask yourself whether you’re willing to bring children into the relationship or even the pet. Adding to a relationship unit is indeed a big deal and shouldn’t be left to chance.
Talk clearly about who and what you’re willing to allow past your boundaries into the relationship.
10. Subtractions:
As with tolerances, a clear cut conversation early-on about what we will and will not do if things don’t work out between both, might save loads of drama and misery at the end. This could comprise cooling off periods, second chances or even living arrangements.
Consequently, if a loved one knows where we stand, we can both end the relationship on quieter, hassle free terms.
11. Time:
You should definitely ask questions like- What are your time boundaries?
At what point do you feel smothered? How long do you need to recharge? Both of yours answers should be well known to each other.
Time is always finite and will remain finite forever and for everybody. Thus to feel comfortable in your own skins and around each other, you must set and be well aware about time boundaries.
12. Digital Presence:
In the age of technology and social media, it’s a need of the hour to talk over how much access a lover has to your digital presence.
Love may not always last, but social media, while not forever, is, exceedingly difficult to untangle. You need to understand and respect each other’s personal space.
How do you set a healthy boundary in your relationship?
Here are 5 steps to set a healthy boundary in your relationship.
Step 1: Be aware about your personal boundaries
Take your time to really identify where you stand on the range of issues being spoken about and also think about other areas where you have red lines, a partner must stick to.
You be able to communicate them to your partner, only when your boundaries are well known to you.
Step 2: Choose when to discuss about the boundaries
Some things need to be talked about early in a relationship, because they may play a pivotal role in both of yours happiness and the overall health of your union.
When you feel that the time has come to discuss a particular boundary, certainly do so when you are free from distractions and when you both are open and relaxed top understand each other’s point of view.
Everything has its time; understand to prioritize your discussions regarding the boundaries accordingly. Don’t rush, you do not have to vomit the whole thing out in a single day.
It is always best to wait for things to calm down so that you and your partner are able to talk with less emotional energy to confuse things.
Step 3: Make the boundaries crystal clear
If you want your partner to obey your boundaries, you must make them clear and easily understood. If the boundaries really mean a lot to you, avoid making things ambiguous to them.
Get your partner to repeat back what they think your boundary is, so that you could be sure about whether they understood.
Remember to express your boundaries, using “I” statements rather that “you” statements. For instance, say- “I would prefer it if your Brother phoned first before coming round” rather than saying: “You need to tell your brother to phone before he comes round.”
Step 4: Liberalize for minor neglect
Nobody is perfect and people do make mistakes.
While there are some deal breakers that you will not accept frankly, but you have to give your partner some flexibility if they cross over some of your boundaries, especially when you have first communicated them. Try not to make a big fuss about little things unless they continue to disregard your feelings every now and then.
Keep reminding your loved one about your preferences and they should eventually come to respect them.
Step 5: Know when and how to be forceful
In the relationship, it might happen that one of your strict boundaries has been crossed or your partner might be committing smaller mistakes around things that are slightly less important to you. Either way, a time will come when it will be necessary to show that there are consequences to their actions. If you don’t, they will continue to ignore your boundaries.
For some things, your partner needs to know the consequences before the first infraction. While for other things, you may need to discuss the consequences of a repeated violation of a less important boundary.
Therefore we must learn when and how to be forceful. It’s essential to be assertive.
People change, Relationships change and so does Boundaries- This is the hardcore reality.
Clearly-communicated, healthy boundaries bring couples together so that they can talk without fear of retaliation.Asking and respecting are key components in any relationship, and as a matter of fact we all have boundaries, we simply don’t always state them even examine them at times.
One should never perceive boundaries as a forecast of trouble, but should have trust and faith in Reality; which undoubtedly lasts longer than an unbounded fantasy.
Open and honest communication is the key to unlocking successful boundary setting and the respecting of those boundaries.
When we’re able to understand that setting boundaries within a relationship doesn’t limit it but instead strengthens it, the juvenile fantasy that someone has to be open and be ours completely drifts way letting in, the more adult appreciation of our Loved One’s as Individuals.
Learn to respect each other’s personal space, boundaries and of course as individuals in the first place- that’s the foundation of any happy, healthy and successful relationship.
