How do we manage things or guide people without controlling them? In order to keep the pendulum swinging from one extreme to another, it is important to understand why we feel the need to control or strongly defy control.
Why do people need to control?
The need to control people or situations is driven by the ego’s need for a false sense of security. We are seeing a strong need for control right now in many people’s lives as their false security is being threatened by changes occurring on the planet. As more things crumble in their reality, the more out of control they feel, and the more they tend to feel like they need to control things to feel safe.
For example, people who have obsessively prepped for disaster have hoarded a lot of food for themselves out of fear of starving to death. They are so caught up in their own fears that they do not think about homeless people who are already starving or how some of that food has been wasted because it has expired.
The extreme polarity of control vs. out of control
When fear takes control of an extreme, some people can end up with obsessive-compulsive disorder or anxiety over not getting things accomplished. The ego feels the need to have things in order within a framework or to have things so that the house will pass the white glove test. They may have a fear of what people think about them or may become embarrassed when things look out of control in their household.
Then there are also people who are the opposite and are completely messy because they “go with the flow” and don’t try to put everything in a box. However, even this has its extreme where some people live in unsanitary situations or can’t even walk through their own house because the floor is full of things, clothes, and trash. The extreme opposite of OCD is having extreme clutter, filth, or hoarding. There can be several deep-seated reasons for this. It may be due to a fear of being controlled or a fear of never having enough of something. It could be that they are rebelling against anyone telling them what to do. It could be that they were never shown how to pick things up or that most people don’t live like that.
The need for control is the realization that you can control circumstances so you know what outcomes are ahead. Whether it is marking things off a list of things to do or buying things at the store, these are actions within the mind of a way to control the outcome of your future. If you don’t buy milk, then you will likely not have cereal. By marking things off of your list you feel fulfilled and in control. When it comes to the home, every little thing has to be in its place and there is a place for everything.
Ironically this can get out of control when you plan every single aspect of your life to where things are so structured you begin to lose your identity and creativity. You begin to go against the flow and try to control the flow. If you don’t get your list done, you begin to feel unfulfilled and unhappy. This can be a vicious cycle and can trigger anxiety. This can also tend to bring about self-destructive thoughts of unworthiness as you feel unproductive.
The out of control messy people will begin to feel the blocks in their creativity because of the block of the energy flow in their house. Excess clutter screws up the Feng Shui flow. Although they have adverse thoughts of cleaning or clearing things out, in the end when they do it gives them a sense of accomplishment because their energy field is also cleaned out. Sometimes these people need help just to get started in going through things, but it won’t help if it comes from a need to control.
Relationships- When control forces rebellion
The need to control in relationships comes from the ego’s need for security. This may happen because of past relationships and the fear of getting hurt, or it could stem from a fear of abandonment. Everyone has their own deep-seated issues that need to be dealt with, as now is the time for all issues that no longer serve us to be brought to the surface. Having someone to relate to is a blessing in disguise, as they can often reflect what you cannot see within yourself, or perhaps they trigger the emotions and actions within you that need to surface in order to be seen.
When you force control upon someone else, you will get two outcomes. Neither of them is good. One is total submission and a loss of self-respect as they do whatever you want them to do so that they do not have to deal with you. The other is total rebellion against what you are trying to do. This could be a parent/child or a spousal situation, or even worse, could be more of a domination control in the workplace where you are forced to adhere to control because your paycheck depends on it.
What happens when you get a neat freak together in a relationship with a slob? You are sure to see fireworks eventually if each person isn’t respectful of the other person’s issues and needs to work through them. There are underlying reasons for both, one is based in fear and the other is based on a deep-seated emotional issue. One gives a false sense of good vibes with an immaculate house while the other is cluttering their energy field with self-destructive defiance. Both people should work internally on their issues and work together in helping each other address the pattern that is holding themselves in bondage to an extreme.
How to guide instead of controlling
Some people don’t want to be led or guided, they just want to experience this life all on their own. We should never try to control someone, period. We should never try to guide someone who doesn’t want to move forward, either. However, in order to have a relationship with someone, and if they want to move forward past a suffocating issue, offering respectful guidance can help. Showing someone you care enough to help them see where the issue is coming from a place of unconditional love, which is the opposite of control. If they choose to not take your guidance, it is best to leave it at that and make a decision as to whether you are willing to be a part of their internalized issue or not. If it becomes unhealthy for both parties, it may be time for a break.
If you are the OCD, controlling person, you may need to take a break from your to-do lists and hectic life based on created situations. Make yourself take a few days off and just do nothing at all. If you have ever lost your list of things to do or have left your grocery list at home, you may have giggled at yourself for even making the list at all. You still got by, didn’t you? Hopefully, it made you think of the unnecessary things that were on that list, created by made up needs.
Many people take a break and go on vacation, but still plan everything out to the smallest details and end up missing out on the flow of the situation. A little planning is good under certain circumstances, of course, but over planning is simply controlling things all over again so just be thoughtful of how much you are trying to affect the outcome. If you are brave enough, try taking a vacation on the fly without any notice, and trusting that everything will unfold as it needs to. This is a great way to move out of the box and allow life to take the reins.
If someone doesn’t care about picking up their clothes or dirty dishes, the best guidance you can give is to try to figure out why the person is procrastinating or doesn’t care if their environment is overly cluttered or dirty. Perhaps as a child, their parents were over-controlling about keeping a clean room and they do not like to connect to that energy. Perhaps they are in a depressed state and have lost the will to do things for themselves that are healthy for their energy field. We all came here to help each other out, and there is a balanced way to address these things without controlling one another, and this will lead to a balanced outcome.
Many people do not take the time to sit down and connect with one another anymore. Society has them distracted with the television, computers cell phones, lists of things to do and places to be. Communication is the key to guidance. It’s not a good idea to communicate when you are unhappy or frustrated. It needs to come out of a place of acceptance and love. Take the time to ask what the real reason for the need to control obsessively or the lack of caring is. Reiterate the need for balance rather than the extreme.
For the control freak, surrendering to the world around you allows you to grow from a soul level. You’ll be a better person for it, the world will open up to you. For the slob, self-love and respect for your environment, your energy flow, and others that live with you will help with your overall outlook happiness. Awareness and understanding of energy flow and what causes energy blockages of creativity and joy will help you balance your reality. We are not taught these things growing up. Instead, we were given consequences and demands like, “You will be grounded if you do not clean your room”.
As you can see, many of our current actions are simply beliefs or programs running in our heads. Take the prepper who excessively hordes food, for example. Perhaps he or she had a past life where they starved to death. Releasing the fear of death will solve any over the top methods of obsessively focusing on the fear of not having enough food. It could be that the fear was programmed into them through fear-mongering propaganda on the internet or television. Be prepared for the ego to fight until the end, literally.
Letting go of those memories of the past and living respectfully in the now moment are crucial to moving forward into a balanced life. Helping others move through the things that are surfacing in a loving manner is what is needed right now by helping people see things that they can’t see for themselves. When balance is achieved within, it begins to show as a healthy and balanced external reality.
To learn how to guide your children without controlling them, you may want to listen to what Erik Medhus says about this. Erik took his life as a teenager and has been communicating from the other side to his mother, Elisa through a few key psychic mediums. In this video, one of these mediums, Kim Babcock brings through a higher understanding of control vs. guidance form the other side:
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